I'm playing with the baby I just found in your kitchen
i guess it wasn't a booty call since he got home from the club at 6:00 am... he told me to consider it morning sex
I'm literally partying with O.J. Simpson's son right now. I don't know what to make of this.
Are you dead or are you taking another 13 hour nap? you need to let me know these things ahead of time so i dont worry.
5am is far to early to be on jagerbomb number 6 right now
If you don't come out tonight, who's going to wake us up in the morning because they're fucking in the middle of the room where everyones sleeping?
This girl caught me staring at the cat but stroking the computer because it was closer, which is why I hate blunts.
I think its pretty common. 1 out of every 4 people probably have a stripper's phone # in their phone.
I'm pretty sure "tag teaming" and "looking for stability" are not synonymous.
Not yet.
Why are there so many fucking Lambchop puppets hidden around my house?!
No I kepy moaning and just called out a name to make them believe I was actually having sex instead of masturbating.
Safe to say we should stock up on nipple bandaids ladies
We showed up to the ER to pick him up and I was still wearing face paint from the game. Then I threw up in the sink. Those doctors did not like us at all.
you went over there?
His drunk texts were grammatically perfect. At least our kids will be smart.
You know your life has gone off the rails when waking up in a Spanish hospital with alcohol poisoning and no memory of how you got there is not even your top wildest drinking story.
Randomize
