i'm trying to reconcile what i did last night with who i am as a person.
in jail i did the beyonce ass shake for the police officers & called Sally from my collect phone in my cell & started singing "im in JAAAIL IM IN JAAAIL",
My girlfriend and my fuck buddy both started their periods this weekend. The good news is, neither of them are pregnant. The bad news is, I'll have to find someone else to fuck til next weekend. No wait.....that's good news too.
The best thing he's ever done for me was comment on my profile picture saying "hello boner"
I would like to apologize for making you the target of my "I wish head hair grew as fast as Pubes speech" the other night
She bit me. She gave me a brief pity cuddle. I gave her an awkward backrub, somehow I thought it would be a good idea to include the vagina in that. It wasn't.
Just saw a dude in a banana costume get beat down by a one shoed black dude wearing a kilt...paninis is such a shit show after 10 on a Saturday
They seemed upset when they walked out and saw a penis in a mouth
What is a foreign vacation of stupidity without some fake names?
So it's ironically funny that my psychiatrist's office and my cocaine dealer's house are on the same street
He also told me he would eat mozzarella sticks before having sex with me so I'm mad at him.
Hey can you tell Daniel there's a bottle of Captain Morgan's in the dryer ...
Sorry I think you have the wrong number
Yes it looks like I do
Wow. Ok who would waste Game 7 ticket on kids?!
Poor parenting at its best
the police dropped me off. that's how my night went.
I've never been so excited to be bleeding from my vagina.
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