I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
It's always exciting to touch a new boob.
Just bought plan B with a coupon. Told the pharmacist I like to keep it classy.
Every day you talk to me ... I literally love you more..
I lost my grandmas ring. Probably during the handjob.
Can u please come get me. My car keys are gone. Somehow I ended up sleeping in my trunk
There is a positive side to a sinus infection. Exclusively cowgirl sex. I've convinced her I'd pass out if I had to do the work.
A beer is a heart your wish makes!!!
He insisted he brought his alarm clock everywhere, and then the girl screamed "fuck French people!"
We should discuss this later when sobriety has returned. Right now he's just like a distant cousin.
It wasn't your birthday, you weren't supposed to be the drunk one
When people keep buying you drinks at the bar because they like you, you can't say no to them
I hooked up with Spider-Man on the hood of Santas car. I kept saying that he could shoot his web at me. Also I found Waldo. Overall good night.
Showed up to family party blacked out and in a turkey costume. I'd say thanksgiving was a success.
I REMEMBER NUGGETS BEING THERE BUT WE WERE AT A TACO BELL
I'm like a saiyan, every time I get trashed I come back stronger
All three of the bartenders here have screwed my boss, so he's definitely gay. Unfortunately for you he seems to have a type and you're not it.
Randomize
