I an trashes at a wedding. Hotbcousins here I come. Agh.
you're like the Neil Armstrong of terrible hookups, you are a pioneer
How did people poop without Blackberrys?
Motorola Razers?
Stone age, man.
i seriously just saw a stripper from last weekend walk into the classroom next to me!!
he legitimately fell asleep standing up at the club. everyone was impressed
My walk of shame got a new perspective when I walked into his livingroom and found his roommate fucking some chick on the coffee table.
For some reason i am carrying prostate cancer brochures. i am nor used to drinking this early.
Jake bring pizza.
JAKE BRING PIZZA.
You're married and I'm going to make out with a stranger tonight. Isn't that weird? It's like a gap in the time space continium.
He said "just hugs" and ran away screaming.
So it may have been laced, sue me.
The only monogamous relationship I can keep is with my eyebrow lady...
They left around 10:00 this morning. I've been naked since 10:01.
And the 'kicked out of Xmas party' trophy goes to me. 3rd nomination, first win.
FUCK WHALES
I told the border patrol officer she was smuggling drugs in her ass. I doubt she cheats on me again.
Randomize
