best part, i was ridiculous and none of them were judging me bc they didn't want my vagina. it was like i was a pretty painting
When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
do people in england often walk their sheep on leashes? or is this guy the exception to the rule?
Just crushed a xanax into my chewing gum. Its gonna be a long, fucking up flight...
we just got kicked out of the mexican restaurant. i have a full pitcher of margarita's hiding under my coat.
Are you seriously trying to guilt me into sending you naked pictures by saying "So I can look at them during dialysis" ?
Is it working?
I have got to stop singing on voicemails. I just left my dad a 6 minute musical message.
Now that there's no chance of him coming over to fuck anymore, I'm going to put up a one-person tent in my bedroom and live in it. My bed reminds me of him.
Tell me I'm the only person you know who could punch someone at the bar, get escorted out, smoke a cig with the cop who almost arrested me AND get the security guy who escorted me out to buy me drinks.
Talking to friends parents while buying all the things needed for Jell-O shots. classic
i was so high i thought the horse on my poster was running
Your mother may get texts again about women putting dog food up their vaginas and asking for it to be licked.
Please tell me those naked pics were not your mom. Lie if you have to.
Got home and told boyfriend what happened. He was like "you made out with a guy you call Balls Deep?" and hi-fived me.
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
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