oh well we may not be friends on facebook but at least i got laid
i just renamed my vag "the sorting hat"
Same, I didn't even get to be tarzan this summer
The plus side of face planted at the tailgate was that no one could see my nipples hanging out.
That girl gave me her number because you were arrested. I am so proud of you dude.
help me choose which girl to send myself boning to my girlfriend to make her want to break up
which one looks the most like her?
She woke me up with an urgent call telling me she was rolling on Mollie and swimming in the ocean. I mean that's just great. If she drowns, I'll feel responsible.
you know you've had too much sex when your vagina hurts when you laugh
When you're all settled in, text me, and I can sorta apologize for saying that your phone can suck my dick. What I really meant to say is that your Windows phone can suck my Android phone's dick.
Drunk wound on my leg hast healed and neither has my dignity
I'm drinking apple juice and champagne while watching crossroads..like the classy bitch that i am.
I broke another vibrator the other day. Abstinence is not for me.
If my one night stand asked me to move in with him right after does it still count as a one nighter?
I wish the guy in the stall next to me would stop moaning while taking a dump.
I wish you'd stop texting me from the toilet.
Can I say it was a great night out of town? Fucking my co-worker in the hotel bed while my best friend is fucking his friend on the floor and a random guy is laying in the other bed meanwhile we are all passing a joint back and forth
Randomize
