I gambled and lost. Had to pull into a funeral home to clean up with a copy of my resume.
I knew it was different as soon as you told me you slept with him and didn't tell me about his dick
I should have to wear a sign around the rest of the day so everyone knows the shame I feel.
What the fuck am I going to do with a pinata full of tampons?
Why is there a frozen condom filled with water in my freezer?
You tried to initiate "Occupy McDonald's" when the cashier didn't give you enough ketchup.
Either your boy toy or the kid who pulled a knife on me in high school is here
Can I come over? I respect you, but I want disrespectful things to happen
Not only did I get beyond cray cray this weekend. My body has nursed itself to plentiful and impeccable health. Fuck you world, I am back.
I walked around with red solo cups on my feet, weeds tied around my neck and a tree in my hand
You dove at him but passed out mid dive. Shame it wasnt a costume party your superman suit wouldve been clutch in the situation
I'm honestly just now recovering from saint Patrick's day.
It's like sleep walking but with blowjobs
Sara can't come to the phone right now. She's currently having an in-depth conversation with a flower pot.
My ex boyfriend literally just asked "who needs porn?". This is EXACTLY why I dumped his ass.
Randomize
