if she mentions anything about chili and my phone, just go with it
He was probably pissed, but i couldn't tell for sure. How pissed can someone really look while holding a fishbowl mimosa?
All I'm saying is that whoever owned the wheelchair clearly didn't need it or they wouldn't have been able to leave it there
apparently i was cut off before i even walked in
Doctorate. Vaginahole. Cinnamon. Rainbow. Fill in the blanks in the morning.
He was having an allergic reaction to that new brand of vodka Eric brought, so he just started chasing with benadryl.. Talk about commitment.
I'm in charge of his party but you're a paramedic, we're both needed.
Pretending to leave a voicemail when the person answers the phone....that's gotta be drunk dial level 99
It's like God tapped him on the shoulder and said "You are now capable of giving world shattering, tear jerking head."
Why does my therapist keep calling when I jerk off?
WHERE THE FUCK AM I? AND WHO PUT DUCK TAPE ON MY NIPPLES! MY NIPPLES!!!!!!
Wait til you see what we did to Dave. Hairy bastard will never be the same
Just got my LSAT score...if you need me I'll be drunk in a ditch somewhere.
Turns out dignity is priceless and Plan B costs $41.09
You couldn’t remember the word hand jibber. Instead, your drunk ass offered the bartenders “unlimited hand fritters” if they wouldn’t cut you off.
I’ve got a closet full of cosplay outfits and horny boytoy to help me ride out this pandemic
Randomize
