you left your dildo in my car
rules of finders keepers apply
I'm doing a half mile walk of shame carrying a trash bag and still very drunk. Save me. I feel like a refugee.
can't believe I ate straight coffee grounds to stay awake for that
Judging by what's in the bathroom right now, I see you graced us with your presence last night.
last time I sleep in the lobby. woke up to some girl asking me what floor I lived on. somebody put me, couch included, on the elevator.
Playing basket ball at the park with random people that showed up at 1am. the division of teams is based on what drugs people are on
I think I will be cutting those pills in half...Jesus just tried to sell me a toothbrush.
Remember that picture you sent me of you trying to eat the flower arrangement in the bathroom at that restaurant?
It's blow job season.
i told her i wanted to be the Neil Armstrong of her vagina,
I've come to realize that I need a break from life when I just tried to use my address numbers as the cook time on the microwave
shut up and let me use my vagina as a weapon of self destruction in peace!
yeah it's a weird friendship. we pretend that we're automatic besties but i know we both know i slept with her boyfriend
Ehh, the third backed out. Two still isn't bad. Who gets a bootycall to pick them up from a bootycall's house anyways? Only me.
I feel kind of like we’re in a gang and tonight is one of those “people are gonna know not to fuck with us” type of nights. And then tomorrow I am going to learn to pole dance. I’m not really sure how I got to this point in my life… but I like it.
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