If he doesn't notice me by the next party, i'm just gonna go up to him and pll his pants down and blow him.
Sounds like a plan.
My mom is making me buy a single zucchini, I look like someone who can't afford a dildo
Her problem is just that he inner beauty is just as ugly as her physical beauty
LA Sucks. The only way i can get laid is if i tell people im at a law firm that represent film producers.
And when they figure it out, they act like IM shallow.
Does anyone know who that girl who fell backwards and broke the shoe rack with her head was?
Some guy is walking around the bar with his dick out. Health code violation?
You were yelling at the bowl of salad and telling it to quit taunting you and telling you to go to tacobell
she got kicked out of the bar for shoving german chocolate cake in the bartenders face. we were there less than a minute
So my mom and I were talking about what I should get you for christmas. She made it clear I cannot get christmas lingerie.
I'm convinced that college is the only place where one can have an existential crisis over what sweatpants to wear
I convinced every single one of my cousins to bring me a glass of wine. I was the alcoholic queen and they were my subjects.
Henceforth: booty calls will now be referred to as "deliveries of anatomy". That is all.
My mom is selling her car. I'm secretly relieved I won't ever have to tell her about that time you puked in it
I've only hooked up with engineers this year and it may be the best future financial decision I've ever made
He fell asleep during FOREPLAY. Sober!!!
Im outta here as soon as my phone charges wtf
Randomize
