Booty call?
Dude you don't even follow my twitter
By the way, I think my next facebook status update will read, "Aaron recently found out Vanessa's a screamer."
oh god.
just cut a line with my blood donor card...i feel like it will help remind me that i was once a productive member of society.
Sharon took in a random bleeding stranger drunker than her, named her Nicole, and is feeding her jello shots on the toilet
Help. Me. He just whispered 'prepare yourself', & sprayed hairspray everywheres to make sure the 'air was crisp'
he gave me a new purse full of weed and five boxes of samoas for my birthday. best boyfriend ever.
It's a bathroom floor kind of morning.
And there might be a gallon of sangria without the lid on the floor in your room. Just be careful when you open the door.
Dude you're alone at a bar with a woman, and you're talking about my junk?
I just took the kind of shit that makes your eyes well up with tears as you feel it moving inside of you... So cleansing.
As your only female friend, I feel the need to inform you that texts like these are why she dumped you.
Your ability to whip out your dick and take a pic anytime I text you is startling.
One day I'm gonna have to send my roommate a "sorry I got high and forgot you were in the room and masturbated next to you" fruit basket
So I told him "To answer your question yes I am naked making pizza pops in your kitchen"
You told me you were trying to learn all the MLB ballparks while you waited for your porn to load.
Sorry I called bc I needed help peeing outside
But I did it
Randomize
