highlight of my day: just saw a crying girl get dropped off at home wearing only socks, booty shorts, and a dirty wifebeeter. I wonder what happened to the costume...
I kept feeling my boobs..just to make sure they were still there.
I can't believe i facilitated a beer for sweater vest deal last night...
You obviously dont comprehend the level of insane i operate at
i wasn't gonna shower then i remembered i slept in my own piss
Nothing quite like coming out of an alcohol induced blackout walking down Spruill Avenue carrying a silver briefcase full of IT tools you don't know where they came from. This is my life.
I'm too stoned to come over for sex
Yes that is a Krispy Kreme doughnut on my cock
I'll be right over
I'm going to three dry weddings this month. I'm flashing three dry weddings this month
I just remember lots of butts and something about ranch dressing.
You're still my best friend even though you continue to pass out on random toilets every time you drink
I apologize that you just fell victim to my random thought of how to make a blow job come to life via emojis.
You know that if they offer you a bagel they are determined to sleep with you, right?
I am so disappointed that he didn't steal a Christmas tree last night.
As he put it in he shouted "geronimo!"
Wow... So was the sex good?
Yeah but it doesn't matter. My vagina is not a pool.
I get dinner and bf perks from the one guy. But dick with no commitment from the other. I’m living my best life.
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