I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
Halloween has nothing on dressing up as as the INS on cinco de mayo
organizing the empties. That sober.
Then he complimented me on how excellent I was at breathing through my nose
I may wear a condom to jerk-off tomorrow knowing that my hand has touched surfaces in this bar.
Why am I always the sober one?
Cause you're the only one with any sort of self control. It's kinda your super power...
i refuse to hook up with a girl that looks like drew carey.
Guess who has two thumbs and broke her boyfriends dick?
That awkward moment when the guy you were hitting on at the bar last night is a possible suspect in a murder case.
Pretty sure the delivery guy saw me taking a shit this morning
He sent me off with a naked dance ending in a meat swing. I don't think I'll be seeing him again.
In honor of Randy Savage we're wearing spandex and handing out slim jim's with option to suplex. Get behind it
I'd send you a picture as proof but I want to marry him some day and that would be a deal breaker.
I love random hookups in covid sex. Usually girls think me about a one and a half to a two and a half but now that I got this mask on I'm a Solid 6.
Randomize
