I want to take things slow emotionally, but fast physically
you definitely have a few illegitimate kids
probs. Not too worried about it though. MOst girls are too embarrassed that they let me into their pants that they'll never admit its mine
I thought this kinda shit only happens to ugly people
I just egged your windshield and it froze on contact. Have fun with that.
he pretended not to hear me say our safety word. how do you think I feel?
You kept making up "snapple facts" every time you opened a beer.
It got a little outta hand when you wanted to do body shots on the table.. at Dennys.. at 4 AM.. with lemonade
ps if your frozen peas taste like crotch it's because some dude kicked me in the nuts while trying to do a keg stand and I needed an ice pack
You are such a cockblock sometimes
You NEED a cockblock sometimes
Dont even get me started. you fell asleep in my kitchen after being cockblocked when you tried to use my roommates bedroom.
She's cool and all but if she eats my food again I'm gonna fucking drop kick her ass. No one touches my lunchables. NO ONE.
After last night I am convinced that you are the human embodiment of alcoholism and bad decisions.
The Easter sex puns were too abundant
yes we're having sex but I'm texting you...so what does that tell you?
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
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