What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
i learned a valuable lesson last night. sometimes nice girls finish first. twice.
I just wnated to let you know that I laminated my history notes so i can study in the shower.
I'm not saying he has herpes, I'm just saying he slept with my friend that has herpes.
Dude someone is playing the piano in the other room while I shit and it's making it really peaceful
i secretly love the power trip of being their RA & busting these idiots for everything i did as a freshman
It's like being the dunk pilot of a plane full of pornstars and drunkenness.
Just croosed over that too drunk for chemistry class line
High as shit. I just described caramel syrup on crackers to my mom for 15 minutes...
you slapped the bag of goldfish out of her hands and screamed, "BITCH THIS AINT NO AQUARIUM". That's how fucked up
Pillow talk?
can't do it. no eye contact either.
Where have you been all my life
I'm going to need you to stop harassing my professor on Twitter when you're drunk.
ALL I WANT IN MY MOUTH IS A GLORIOUS COCK SMOTHERED IN CHOCOLATE. DICK AND CHOCOLATE; IS IT TOO MUCH FOR A GIRL TO ASK FOR?!
hot take: drunk me can walk through walls?
Well, I was arguably the most sober adult in the house by 1 in the afternoon, so I'd say Superbowl Shitshow was a success.
Randomize
