You should really figure out how to get me a picture that will pop up on my phone when you call
Just upload a picture of Bea Arthur. That's what my soul looks like these days
guy from last night has fluorescent crocs in his closet. judging by the rest of his clothes he doesn't wear them in an ironic way
so I guess it's not okay to mix vodka and ..everything and then proceed to offer a lap dance to ...everyone.
I drunkenly recorded an episode of Family Matters last night. I took a shot everytime Carl Winslow had a mustache.
I woke up this morning with a bag of pepperonis in my bed.... and my facebook status was "pepperonis"
If fate has that penis in my future.....I'm down.
Hey so summary of last night. I threw up in a rain boot then tipped it over on my bed, did my laundry and passed the fuck out. I feel like I didn't see you.
I feel like I'm sitting in a sleigh of puddy. It's not a bathtub though because you need a sleigh to go down a mountain.
The good news is the bleeding stopped. I think I'm going to sober up before I tell you the bad news though.
I kindof just wanted to go downstairs and let his dad know how good his son was at sex
They're tearing apart the house I lost my virginity in:(
It was literally 8 o'clock in the morning. His horniness knows no bounds.
Also, McDonald's breakfast is now 24/7. This is it. This is how I die. Face first in a pile of hashbrowns.
B. I found a note on my phone and all it says is 'Fuck yeah im a racecar'
I’ve seen not one, but three Facebook articles on my feed today about “how to eat ass”. Idk what the universe is trying to tell me but it’s needs to chill
Randomize
