the condom got lost in my hair
He wanted me to blow him while he was playing guitar hero. there will not be a second date
Oh, and for future reference, telling a guy that your ass is too tight for anal is like painting a bullseye on it.
I woke up to her vacumming the grass
I lost count of how many people I peed on last night.
I swear I only do things like fuck 19 yr olds just to hear how you laugh when I tell you.
We're lucky we aren't prostitutes by now. Whats the etiquette for returning a pair of heels with blood on them?
Not many best friends can say they've all made out with a homeless guy
I'm pretty sure the bus driver knew how hung over I was and hit all the pot holes on purpose. I threw up into my water bottle.
Also send boobie pics with bobs burgers in background its the only way to get me off anymore
I'm currently sitting at your kitchen table eating chicken nuggets that I dug out of the trash and thinking about how much I need to get laid.
You were wearing a sequin mini, with Tevas. And you still got laid.
I'm hosting my annual valentine's day party tomorrow with every hookup I've ever had. thoughts on how it will turn out ??
Are you ok? Who pooped in my office?
the bastard is cheating on me with some sleazy barista from Starbucks
That’s his wife they’re back together
You say potato, I say sleazy barista
Randomize
