I'd fuck her but she fucked Dusty. And I'm pretty sure he's humped livestock
That poor girl was naked and had to be at a job interview in an hour
you refused to come out of the bathroom until i asked you in spanish
so high and i think i just ordered a magic bullet.
did you call within the first 18 minutes? can i have the free one?
Was the mom I hooked up with decently attractive I feel like her two friends were hotter
Your 'drink of the future' makes sense now- you feel it for atleast 10 hours into the future
Houston, we have a squirter
See, it wasn't that I broke my nose having sex. Its that I forgot about the bedposts...
Just saw a tranny in a skimpy captain america costume walking around campus. Going to follow her. You gotta see this
She's comparing the feel of breasts to shredded cabbage. Weirdest. Grandmother. Ever.
I sang Sweet Caroline with a homeless man and made him 25 bucks. Redbull vodka gives you wings!
Pennsylvania now holds the distinct honor of being the third state I've crapped my pants in.
went out to hit golf balls, ended up doing splits at the bar. you're a bad influence.
'allo, good sire. how dost thy day goeth?
oh no. you're at that weird Renaissance Festival thing again, aren't you?
I am an inebriated elf. you may fucketh off.
Do you ever go take a shit and end up sitting on the toilet for like 45 minutes wondering what the fuck you're doing with your life?
Everyday my friend, everyday.
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