I need to have sex with someone before he does. I need to win this break up!
you'd think with how big her nose is she'd have a better smelling pussy..
As of tonight I have officially had sex during every Disney movie.
im pretty sure thats the first step to being a pedafile
oh no, im for sure still drunk. i wana eat evrything in the fancy feast commercial... everything
Just checked my recent transactions online. Between the hours of 1 and 3am on September 30th, I went to 7/11 4 times. Unacceptable.
Tuesday night just isn't my ideal coke binge night.
Remind me again why a vodka watermelon can't be a thanksgiving dish
Woke up today to the sound of church bells. My first thought was shit the apocalypse, but then I remembered my hook up lives next to a church. This might be a rough day.
And I just realized we will be at a strip club when the end of the world is supposed to happen. This is destiny
DID YOU REALLY JUST GIVE ME A FIRST BASE SIGN
I'm like 'WOMAN, YOU'RE 62, RESHEATH THOSE COUGAR CLAWS.'
If I had an Australian accent I'd be unstoppable. Teach me how you talk
So my family just woke up on Easter morning and shared a bowl. That's bonding😊
the universe is starting to freak me out.. ive now had sex with 3 people who were born on the same day..
I realized my soar muscles form the shape of me leaning over a toilet
Randomize
