At my boss' house at a bbq. Had a few beers. Taking a poop - there's no TP...this is my nightmare.
my mom just served us mashed potatoes with an ice cream scoop. When I asked her why, she said she thought it would make dinner 'more fancy'...
i just threw up in a potted plant at home depot
hows a nice way to say "yeah i would go to your dorm, but it's snowing and I know you're not going to blow me, so what's the point"?
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
I just peed in the Schreyer honors college shrubbery. Thanks honors students, you're finally good for something
I told my mom about how you got white girl wasted and sobbed about Whitney Houston. She sends her condolences.
tell her thanks so much
That is true. Vodka is like a dog. Always loyal, warm, and there for you when you need it
I'd feel bad about being drunk at the Christmas service, except for the fact that I've already had sex in this church, so this is just small change.
Looking through last night's sexting, realized one is a haiku..
lets go to sea world and you can just hit on every guy in a wetsuit until you get lucky
Just tried to do a line with a snorkel I cut off... that is how my Aruba trip is going!
I think he's only dating me for my ass...
I just gave my boss a blowjob. underneath his desk at work. that promotion is mine!
I don’t know how you celebrated 4/20 but I set a Payless trash can on fire
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