Please stop bringing your one night stands to Sunday brunch.
dude i've broken up a marriage, I think I can handle a simple engagement.
If I threw up, how do I still have the same piece of gum in my mouth from the beginning of the night?
We were all drunk for the whole flight. Steve doesn't even remember the cab ride to the airport. At 6am. Says he "blacked back in" at security.
Is your answer to that text seriously a right parenthesis
But you're the one who should be jamming foreign objects into my vaj instead of an old weird lady. I mean, it is your birthday....
Only you would have a vasectomy while you're awake and report on the soundtrack first
the fact that you have a guy named the "i want you to tie me up and fuck me" guy speaks volumes about your life.
walk of shamed to graduation. ending college with a bang....
I told some guy on tinder, that apparently has a prosthetic leg, that I think we started off on the wrong foot. I hate myself...
so you can go out and drink with me then fuck me, or you can come over when i get home and fuck me, or you can come over before and fuck me, or you can come over before and after and fuck me... so many fucking options
i told you i was taking the Metra Train, and you asked what type of drug that was.. so yes i believe you when you say you were fucked up
There's wine in the fridge here. You could leave school and we could get day drunk.
That's my favorite drunk.
I woke up to rachel asking "did anyone else fall out of a tree last night?"
drunkkkkk be here I heart you
Randomize
