Why is half of me covered in green stuff that won't come off?
You stripper-danced on a light pole in the quad. It had fresh paint on it.
its like playing clue every morning after we party. she did him in the kitchen with..oh god.
dude, showing up drunk to physics was the best idea ever. I just tripled my participation for the semester. I love st pattys day
Apparently riding the dog like its a small horse is frowned upon in this establishment
I'm setting a 12:15 alarm for a taco bell run. Be awake or never wake up again.
Tomorrow's thirsty thursday is now sponsored by the three time champion, chemisty failure. celebration starts asap.
The other night he asked if I had a condom and I said I had an IUD. and he goes OMG A BOMB?
we got cupcakes after we fucked. gives a whole new meaning to sugar daddy
I mean, I bought pot and shampoo before I ran out. I think I can adult.
Please just help me figure out where the bruise on my face came from.
He has no idea I'm scrolling through Instagram while he's going down on me. I'm so bored.
I think that living in the "now" is the worst fucking ghandi buddha whatever advice bc that means I'm just gonna get drunk in the now.
Your mom has reinvented the use of a ping pong ball.
I smell Vodka. It's me. If anyone asks it's totally hand sanitizer.
To potentially get me laid, I need you to send me your favorite memes.
Randomize
