I just needed to know whether or not to wear panties to work tomorrow.
Note: fake nails and fingering anus.... Not a good idea
it was like he was trying to blow his nose in my vagina
i almost set my kitchen on fire last night. homecoming week is getting the best of me
your dad made us margaritas and breakfast on the morning. I think it's safe to say he relives his glory days through us
That one life defining moment when you catch yourself pouring whisky into your hot chocolate at 4 am, whilst crying and talking to your dog.
At one point I was giving him a handjob and I started singing Call Me Maybe
No no no no no no.... That's my emergency bottle for when I realize I've hit rock bottom
My cab driver just started a conversation with "Three years ago I pleaded guilty..." Check on me later tonight please.
Hay for your next interview you should go in with fake blood on your cloths and tell them you just finished saving a life, then cry
I was in a penguin suit. Dick out. I am confident in the value of my pic.
Is it rude to send him a, "happy birthday, I hope you finally get an STD" text?
Lol woke up with mangoes in bed with me
1) break up with him. 2) feel bad. 3) fuck some other guy. 4) feel better. Boom! Life plan. You're welcome.
This is the Front Desk Lady from the Saturolite Inn. Your friend is passed out in the lobby. Please come help her.
Randomize
