I just woke up in the back of his van. Bring me a sunkist.
there was a guy who was being paid to stand outside of Abercrombie without a shirt on... normally i would be okay with this but he was 40...
I'm wayyy too drunk to be in a parade right now
i totally just wrapped her wedding gift in tin foil. These are the skills 2 bachelor's degrees have given me.
It'll be just me and my penis against the world.
They called me at 5 AM saying they had a present for me
You rubbing siracha on a cat with your feet is the opposite of what I want.
Picking up hoes with my dad is going to make it a little harder, but ay, if thats how he wants to bond after 23 years, Ill give it a shot
Perfect. Let's do that. I'm thinking everclear and green dye as our base. We shud start from there
My day in three words: secret purse cake
Is this the point in which we come to terms with our lesbianism or is that after you send me more ass pics...
Im wearing black today mourning the orgasm i couldn't get this morning :(
the fact you finally accept your bi don't shock me but as your fuck buddy I expect you girls to go family style on me
So what's it like to be pregnant?
It feels like I'm hungover and when I was drunk I was kicked off a mechanical bull and then trampled.
Upon further investigation my nipples are bruised and I have teeth marks all over.
Randomize
