You know you want to come over later
1:27a: Um no
1:45a: Maybe
2:05a: Probably
2:38a: I'm outside, let me in
i woke up to her playing with my penis. just wiggling it around and around. awkward night? i would say so.
i ate 2 chicken nuggets and puked out 5. that doesn't even make mathematical sense
My niece just threw up all over me. My sister's breastmilk was on my face. This is like a fucked-up porno gone terribly wrong.
My TA just asked me why I was late to class. How do I say because I was having the best orgasm of my life in Arabic?
sticking your hands in the toilet to wash your face is not acceptable. ever. i don't care how drunk you are.
Wake up, take the dog to the trails, puke in the woods. More days should start like this.
Just woke up to find myself in a random bed with two people next to me having sex. I thought it would be awkward to just suddenly get up so i think I'm gonna lie here and pretend I'm still sleeping.
The ultimate Father's Day bonding experience: Both getting bailed out of jail by mom for mooning some shithead cop.
I really hope you didn't eat the bowl of melted vanilla ice cream I left on the coffee table. Because it is not melted vanilla ice cream.
Will you trust fall hold me, so I can pee of this building.
As I came the Sportcenter app played that "dah nuh nuh" chime. Top ten life highlight?
He brought me Plan B in the snowstorm.
A+ 👏🏼
It's so Britney 2007, you know?
I had a dream that we had an entire sofa made out of cocaine.
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