he made me salute his american flag boxers before i took them off
the 3rd commandment: and god said, if you buy a handle.. you must finish it.
Any little, cute, petite blondes with you?
Nah, I got some slutty brunettes though.
ya, but you'll graduate college with a higher education. I'm looking at at least two addictions, an abortion, and a few weeks jail time.
I think "I actually like giving blow jobs better" qualifies her as a keeper
FYI If I die in my sleep it is because I drank a bottle of coke from 1986. I needed a mixer
I ended up naked with smirnoff caps on my nipples. Dignity is now a completely foreign concept to me.
I should just black out in my front yard again- that was a great nights sleep.
Smoked before work and just remembered i left pringles in my desk last time i was high. SCORE
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Wesley from the Princess Bride. I kept telling him what I wanted him to do and all he would say was "as you wish"
He told me the hickey on the side if his neck was actually a "bruise" from hitting a bird on his motorcycle. I'm not sure what's more impressive, the fact people believed him due to the size of the mark or the fact you gave it to him.
lost my vibrator and now I have to masturbate manually. The struggle is fucking real.
Everyday this week I have woken up to a different dick pic. It's like a dick pic a day calendar!
Remember the time you cried about coconuts
There's no triumph quite like finally banging your high school boyfriend 6 years later
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