Bar closing I am hiding in the bathroom. do you think anyone will find me?
I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
I told her for every minute she spent down there, I would donate a dollar to the Haiti relief fund... totally worked
someone just broke into my class and invited everyone to the bar ...now we're filling out a police report. awesome.
She always manages to outslut me. I can't keep up
It's like he's trying to get head in every car except his.
She greeted me with a new giants jersey and an opening day blowjob. this is true love.
Hardly remember what he looks like and the man has seen me passed out spread eagle. I begin this journey with such a disadvantage.
Fuck going to see The Hunger Games tonight. The only thing I'm hungry for is some dick. Let's go to the bar.
I'd just like to say before I start drinking tonight that not only do I not find you attractive; I don't want to hook up with you, suck your dick, be your "suga mama" or have your babies. Please disregard any texts, phone calls or voicemails that say otherwise..
Emoji's do wonders when you actually have nothing at all to say..
Just so you know the unusual amount of skittles on your floor is entirely your own fault. You bought me 20 bags of them while I was high.
Do you know how hard it is to put a bandaid on a vagina?
What am I thankful for..I figured out I can drink on antibiotics without getting sick thanks to the power of pot gummies
My theme for the night was drink diego drink! Unfortunately Dora was not there to navigate me to the bathroom
Randomize
