I just woke up and found a naked man on my floor. Looks like Dad had a wild night of strip poker
zippers are such a cool invention
my brother is a facebook fan of two things: God, and Rhianna. if he's not a prime example of the rare "baptist closeted gay," i don't know who is.
So I purposely left a bunch of metal in my pockets so that the smokin hot TSA officer would give me a pat down. Airport security just got fun
I think i blacked out...but i remember licking your teeth
I feel like my uterus is decaying in my body
BRILLIANT IDEA: In honor of summer olympics we need to start a synchronized drinking team.
Just thought you should know the man you CHOSE to father your children has once again fallen asleep on the toilet. thanks mom
Finally met a man who appreciates my beer pong skills, definitely a keeper for the weekend
honestly dont worry about it, its not the first time ive injured myself on a potted cactus during sexual relations with a woman
I think I'm just going to go like every guy on tinder who has a jetski. I'm doing this for us, Summer is coming.
It's a good thing he's hot, because it seemed like he was trying to do CPR on my private parts
It's 1am and I'm on LSD and I have diarrhea in a Dunkin Donuts. Help me
It's gonna be like a sexual version of A Christmas Carol in my house in a few days.
I can't believe there are people our age getting engaged and I can't even find a solid coke dealer.
Randomize
