Why are you ignoring all of my texts?
The power was out.
Ah I wish I was there to nurse you then clean up your piss-filled water bottles
for some reason the bedside piss missed the water bottle today
We just got home. I got some malt liqour and a lottery ticket so I'm really doing a lot with my life right now
its was like we drinking an entire bottle of mystery
This is ridiculous. It's like playing possible STD Clue, and I don't want to be the winner.
So I just told the bartender I would go down on her. You need to get here
Listen man this isn't about soccer. It's about America and day drinking... Your two favorite things now get your ass over here
She set fire to my carpet trying to power-dry puke covered cigs with Josh's blowtorch. How she found it in the garage is beyond me but if you bring her with you again I'll shoot you myself.
I really am. The stoner chick wants to get a python.
Yea he doesn't really know about any of this yet but my game plan is to keep wowing him with my vagina and cooking skills. It's up too future me to handle the rest.
my make-up looks really good tonight. I swear it had nothing to do with me finishing all of your strawberry vodka.
Yea. I feel great. My life is great. My job isn't as shitty. And my daddy loves me. I love strip clubs. Great self esteem boost.
At 38 I had to open a Snapchat account to communicate with my 21 yr bf. where is my life going.
If it exists, I've probably pregamed it.
Who knew sons of strippers would be really feminist boyfriends?
Randomize
