sitting next to michael phelps in the airport. wonder if he's carrying...
I coulnt tell if he was cumming or if I was throwing up
There was a lot going on. It was easy to miss a 70 foot tall puppet.
What can I say, I'm a giver.
Smoking up the homeless at 3am does not make you a humanitarian.
I had to explain to my dentist that my tooth was chipped because we designated my mouth as the official way to open beer. I feel like our level of partying is no longer socially acceptable.
He's high as balls tripping balls and doing a reenactment of the scene where Buzz jumps off the balcony and can't fly to his soundtrack of Toy Story.
Yo, I can't just ask my mom where she relocated my vibrator to, can I?
That's why we don't trade sex for Taco Bell. It's called the dollar menu.
I was orgasming and dying of laughter at the same time. I think I've found the One.
This girl invited us back on the promise of weed and strudel...she delivered neither.
He tried to tell me that that stripper was his aunt..
The landlord wasn't even off the porch yet and she was packing a bowl, I can't imagine a better best friend
Why do I have a separate credit card just for booze? Because I saved enough points so Saturday we are flying to Denver to smoke legal weed and fly back in the same day.
people keep driving by and judging me for drinking natty outside in my underwear at 9 am. rude.
he’s basically the devil with a fuck boy hair cut and chlamydia
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