Have you ever seen a midget fist pump? BEST. THING. EVERRRRR.
My 10 year old brother handed me a pack of condoms and said "here, i don't wanna be an uncle yet."
Haha. We better find him. He looked like he came out of Switzerland's vagina, he's that much of a blonde beauty.
Get to the bar. Power hour leading up to the rapture.
Bro what are you doing Thursday the day before I go to jail??
The girl that works the front desk at my gym invited me and my friend to come see her Tuesday during her shift at hooters because its her birthday. I still have a boner
You insisted on going outside so you could "breathe real air".
It felt like a sumo wrestler slapped me. With a wet hand. 8 times in a row.
I think it was clear she was setting us up when she brought me over to you and said "Present!"
There was a huge crash. I came out of my room to find you sprawled out at the bottom of the stairs in your bra and panties. You looked at me, yelled 'WHAT AM I DOING WITH MY LIFE' and then ran back into his room.
On my way home from the dentist. Was going to call and see if you would like to wake and bake, then remembered my sister is an adult
last thing I remember was someone walking in on me sitting in the bathtub listening and singing along to Britney spears "Till the world ends" on repeat.
I want the address of the individual responsible for strawbeeritas. I want to send them gift basket.
Like seriously how stupid drunk do you have to get befor you start finding dolphin lighters and shit in your undergarments
There are only a few things more freaky than wandering around a zoo drunk.
Randomize
