if all i could do was poop and smoke weed, i'd be eternally happy
amen to that sister
You can't be mad at me for wanting to drink though, it is the reason we're engaged
i am YELPING strip clubs. This is interesting.
drunk me just left notes all around the apt to remind shitfaced me that i have mashed potatoes in the fridge. do not take them down if you come home before me.
I think you'll appreciae more than anyone that I'm renting my parking spot out for a half gallon of vodka a month.
He will not just "come" out of the closet. He will fall out, 69ing me, with two fingers in his starving asshole, wearing cum splattered lady gaga sunglasses, weeping.
That was the greatest thing i have ever read.
Last night: Repeatedly yelled about how the fishbowl tasted like blue, stole a stranger's hat, hugged the DJ for playing my request, made out with my roommate, and abandoned the guy I dragged to the club in the first place
This morning: Hat doesn't fit, hangover headache is blue, and I can't move without getting lightheaded
Listen when they tell you not to drink after giving blood
I'm sports announcer narrating myself making a sandwich. Your weed wins.
Porn. Physics. Porn. Icecream. Porn. That's my life now.
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
apparently while i was high i thought that putting a dinosaur temporary tattoo on my inner thigh would keep me from taking my pants off and having sex with him...
...it didn't...
Would you go as one half of Harry and Lloyd in Tuxes to Aaron's wedding?
I just said "you do you" to my penis.
Seriously where are the good guys?
The friend zone.
A black cat walked my drunken ass home last night and made sure I made it back into the apartment safe. Sat with me for 30 minutes as I struggled to unlock the door. Guardian angel or drunken hallucinations?
Randomize
