If Ritalin and Plan B had an illegitimate child it would smell like me.
he looks like a really good dad on facebook
Walk of shame was bad enough, but farting with each step as I walked past his roommates was just not cosmically fair.
I just wasted my iTunes Gift Card on a season pass for Hannah Montana. Bad decision?
Can I sleep on your couch? My wife just found my eHarmony account.
I'm pretty sure he's lost all respect for me. it probably happened somewhere around the time i had officially slept with every single one of his friends..
come onnn, where's your sense of adventure?!
I left it in that guy's dorm room.
OK! No more randoms over for the next month this is the third fucking time I caught a naked dude drinking my OJ in the middle of the night.
I just told him that with every paper, I'd take a picture of myself with one less piece of clothing. Who say's I can't be a tutor?
Pretty sure I'm going to hell because of our friendship
Last one there wins
Lol, you asked the waitress to box up someone else's discarded food last night
So my Mom pointed out my vibrator on the night stand next to my stun gun and reminded me of how much I drink.
His whole street is under construction. Third walk of shame this week & I'm getting a lot of sympathetic nods from the workers.
Having sex with him is like eating mayo. Don't think about it, just do it. It's worth it.
yknow last night was like... the third night in a row alex woke me up to make sure i wasn't dead and tbh it's sorta sweet.
Randomize
