Turns out you can't chew it over with twix in real life
Dude I've never seen anyone get slapped that hard
I am watching the symphony and have decided that violin players probably give really good hand jobs.
I should just tell him this. He doesn't need to be all nice and ask me on dates and to do gay stuff like hangout during the day. I'll still sleep with him regardless.
He said he was trying to live vicariously through me. I didn't have the heart to tell him that meant he was vicariously fucking his best friend.
She looks like if Peter Griffin was a lesbian.
Run away.
You dont lie about slip and slides
Ugh. I guess I'm crying loudly or something. My mom just came in and gave me milk, chocolate, a Xanax, and her weed "for the break up blues". Her ways of affection are so odd.
well he somehow got his hand stuck in some bike spokes trying to reach for a blunt he dropped and that's NOT the reason he's in the hospital...?
I dont know it just seems wrong to fuck her on my exes back porch
I just had a drunk lesbian experience.... How do I break it to my boyfriend??
I just choked eating whip cream from the can, and peed a little because I was coughing so hard. How am I still single.
I'm dying of laughter, but I'm also just dying
Send help
Puked in the trash can. Took a bite of someone's breadstick and kept dancing and drinking
That wasn't even sex. That was a fuckoning
...did you just create a word for what we did?
I'm sorry I get my lefts and rights confused because I'm dyslexic. But, it took you at least 15 minutes to figure out it wasn't your room OR YOUR HUSBAND.
Randomize
