I woke up and she had washed, dried, folded my clothes, cooked me breakfast, and had started cleaning my room
haha, you sure you didnt fuck your mom?
A donut and a mojito for breakfast...Helloooooo Derby Wekkend!
he gave me a new purse full of weed and five boxes of samoas for my birthday. best boyfriend ever.
I think I may be stoned foreverrrrrrrrr. The earth has been around for a long time.
I'm going to superglue stuart's hands into socker boppers
He's bought his dick a cell phone. A cell phone. For his dick...
He gave me the number and told me that I if I want to hook up again, I have to call his penis.
"Every minute you spend hanging out with David is a minute you could spend meeting someone new, who isn't a huge douche" - Buddha
HELP THE ONLY THING THAT'S HELPING ME DISTINGUISH BETWEEN THE TWO OF THEM IS THE DIRECTION OF THEIR WINKY FACES OMFG
I found my hair extensions. They were in my hamper.
I showed him my toy collection and he goes, "You won't need those anymore," and dropped his pants. I threw the House of Pleasure out last night.
Mom told me you snuck booze into a concert in a cheez its box...I have never been prouder to be related to you
Can't find my wig, my underwear, or my dignity. Halloween 2016
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
Got caught up in a real life love triangle. Both guys wanted me. I'm tempted to just run off with the cute girl from McDonalds instead
Please do that
there is definitely a hickey on my left nipple.
Randomize
