he pulled a hernia and i had to get the morning after pill. you tell me how our valentines day went.
does drinking everclear count as brushing your teeth? because i think they are sterilized
advice for life: when the cop takes your tallboy, don't ask for your coozy back
So when you said you wanted to make a clay replica of my boobs and hang it above your bed you actually meant it?
This guy needs to come out; I can feel him sucking my dick from across the room.
we can fight about whose fault it is later....naked.
do u know what happened to the bottles last night?
apparently we hid them.... i google mapped the location into my phone
I shit you not. I was sitting on Brian's balcony...still drunk from the night before, and a hummingbird flew onto the patio, stared me right in the face and flew away. I feel like it was God's way of telling me, "Stop drinking."
My Midnight Kiss was a Big Mac.. Happy New Year
Snaps to my Ella Fitzgerald station for such a jazzy walk of shame
So....I just took a paddle fan on high speed to the side of the head while getting head...still finished the job, good thing I'm drunk and couldn't feel it.
did I ever tell you about my gay jesus theory?
Is it weird to befriend your older alcoholic landlords?
This was the first funeral I've ever attended where I had to pee behind a bush cuz someone was passed-out drunk in the locked bathroom. Steve would have been proud.
I woke up in a bathtub full of green and blue Nickelodeon slime! wtf?!
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