What do ugly girls do when they get too drunk at parties. They can't pull the whole "sorry i passed out on your couch but i'm hot so it doesn't matter "card
the line at the liquor store is out the door, and students in line are high-fiving like crazy...i love college snow days
I'm at the bar and they've turned up lady gaga to cover the sound of the fire alarm.
Responsibility does not care about your dick.
Just woke up with my keys in one hand and cheesecake in the other.
Yeah? Well I'm currently predrinking downstairs in my room by myself. Absolut and water with a hint of mint because I'm using the glass I keep my toothbrush in. Fuck, you bitches better get off work soon.
Well apparently I'm no fun since I won't have a threesome with him and my mother.
If shame burned calories, I'll be back to my birth weight by the end of this weekend.
No dude I got way too drunk to function. 90% sure I tried to FaceTime 911.
You are so predictable. I am willing to bet 20$ that instead of going out you are sitting on your couch, stoned, watching Seinfield re-runs and eating cheezits.
1. they're goldfish. 2 fuck you
All I remember is sitting on your kitchen floor and playing with a banana like it was a viking ship.
Fucking holidays. How do I have this many men who want to fuck me and none of them are available when I'm ready to blow my top?
Somehow my boobs came up in conversation AGAIN last night and I'm still not getting laid...
I want you to worship my cock.
That's not how you start a conversation.
The cop was standing next to me when I texted "haha" to your phone...didn't realize that he had taken it already...
Randomize
