Katie Perry lied, you can't just wake up and shake the glitter off your clothes.
The bouncer said he wanted to but BBQ sauce on my legs. That Mystic tan has already paid for itself.
And I'm PMSing. So if I'm not crying, I'm masturbating.
After he came he asked what I was doing for thanksgiving.
my goal is to not remember how i make a living by 9pm saturday night
The guy in the next stall screamed courtesy flush and then puked. Bless you Vegas
He's grinding topless with a group of girls to that discovery channel song. May I take a message?
Try explaining "the nature of your relationship" to a cop when your fuck buddy vandalized your car. Priceless.
Right now I'm drinking out of a gallon water jug & eating a baconator. If you're feeling down, just remember you could be me.
Oh wow and I have a bunch of portable wine glasses called to go coffee cups
Sorry for drunkely attacking your best friend with a bow and arrow then loudly crying myself to sleep....PMS?
Listen, I booty called my boss last night from the company phone. I may need to brush up my resume.
ya I had reallllllly good sex last night too that will probably get me evicted
Just shared a bacon biscuit with my cat.... Life is weird for me right now
You took the receipt and ate it. You then took it out and gave it to the waitress with slobber and holes all over it.
Randomize
