I couldn't deal, she's a vegetarian. Every woman should like a little meat in their mouths.
I don't really want to write this paper. It's the last one of the semester - I need to savor the feeling of procrastination.
I just took boredom to a whole new level. I just auto-tuned and remixed today's western civ lecture
I'm not sure what's more surprising, the fact that she said I reminded her of Danny Devito, or the fact that it got me laid.
I'm glad I have good healthy relationships with my one night stands
Until last night, I had never actually thrown up ON a sandwich
YOU RECOMMENDED ME TO THIS GIRL BECAUSE SHES A STRIPPER AND YOU KNOW MY WEAKNESS FOR STRIPPERS WITH CHILDREN.
I got slapped by a drag queen and bitten on the arm by either a random girl or a weird mouth shaped dog. Tough to tell without seeing the teeth
Your "dubstep at ceilis" resulted in a random naked guy busting into my room and peeing all over my bathroom
A particularly funny moment you may have missed; you walked in to the basement to announce that whoever was cooking sausages had left them on the grill for Hella long, only to be told that you were in fact the person grilling. At which point you just said, "the sausages are done" and walked out
Blocking me on Facebook doesn't change the fact that you've had my penis in my mouth. So there's that.
I don't care. She's the only girl to make me feel like my face is melting when she blows me.
They just made me take another shot and I found out the liquor store next to my brothers house has a petting zoo
Mind. Blown.
when she didn't finish her burrito you wanted to call the cops because you said it was neglect
Not gonna make it. His stripper neighbors are playing a Super Bowl drinking game that involves removing my clothes
Randomize
