ally, we are sitting by a fire and you are totally hot. no pun intended
We met on a dual walk of shame. It has to be love, we can't let that go to waste. I want to tell our children that story.
I made him sleep with a condom on and i passed out on the carpet with only a bra on.
I mean nobody wants to admit they ate 9 cans of ravioli but i did and i am not ashamed of myself
I told my dad my stomach hurt and he bet me ten bucks I couldn't throw up on command. He has no idea what I did last night and I got ten bucks.
I have family pictures in an hour and a half and I'm 9 beers deep. This is how I get written out of my grandparents will...
She pulled vodka outta the dryer and told me to drink it
I would like to request a high five for getting laid while wearing crocs and a crab hat.
i am one fart away from being 2 for 2 on this whole shitting my pants thing.
I'm hurting so bad I actially had to wait for my mini wheats to get soggy before I could eat them..
Our first order of business as new roommates was to test the sex acoustics of our rooms. I need a new box spring.
Comedy Central is in dire need of more sitable faces late at night - Trevor Noah has a baby face - there are federal rules against those types of sexual fantasies
Just in case you forgot, you puked all over your boss house, pissed on his coffee table, and were then thrown out by his wife
Do you ever just want to be mashed potatoes?
Feel free to drag me back to reality at your convenience
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