mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
Broke my phone, have no voice AND I was blackout by 3 p.m...I'm betting I had a great time.
so sad. i just ate the last good 'n' plenty out of the bottom of my purse.
She just left after she spent the past 2.5 hours fuckin the shit out of me. I'll put that in the logbook as a cross country
She just laid there, sucking on a piece of steak, with the most content look on her face. Just before she passed out (steak still on her mouth) she said the cat box needed to be emptied
This drunk girl wants you to know that I do actually like you. I'm not just using you for sex. I think you're cool.
Shouldn't have fucked on the top bunk, I bounced so high my hair got caught in the ceiling fan and almost broke my neck.
Milk that cash cow for all the shots she's worth
When the neighbors threatened to call the cops, he yelled at them that American laws didnt apply to him because he was Danish. He then sang his own version of "America fuck yeah" along to daft punk, then fell down the porch steps. Can we keep him?!?!
We were just sitting together and this guy walks up to us and says, "you ladies are drinking too slow", puts a 5 dollar bill on the table and just leaves the bar. Helloooo Taco Bell
These are the last few fleeting sober moments of the day for me. If there is anything you need me to do today, please tell me now
But of course I'm in. After all, what fun would the holidays be without trying to find the perfect gift to impress someone you've never met, but need the approval of??
I told him I lived in the apartment beside his brother and he said "oh, you're the girl that watches really loud porn!"
Dude. If you guys end up really liking each other, the color of his pubes won't matter. I wouldn't break a sweat.
Santi's no longer allowed to buy booze in my lane. Last thing I need is a midlife crisis looking at his Id again.
Randomize
