omg! a creepy truck driver just made a frog puppet wave at me!!!
he came and i only had my diet coke to rinse.. can you say coke float?
I just learned you can mail a coconut. I'll be over in 3 days with the rum.
I am not old enough to be running into past fucks at the bank. This is at least a twenty five year old milestone.
Call 911 I'm faking my own death so this fat chick leaves my room
The last thing i remember is saying breakfast beer and carrying the keg to my room and locking the door.
Maybe it's the vicodin, but all I wanna do is hunt wild hogs.
He kept pouting and saying i cockblocked him and I kept yelling "I'm sorry...but the cock was never out to be blocked"
Should I feel guilty that my husband is cheating on his girlfriend with me? I mean, we're not divorced yet so I still have dibs, right?
YOU'RE HIGH AND AT THE GYM OF COURSE YOU FEEL WEIRD
My thighs feel like glass
Just come get me. Somewhere there's hobo that's going to want his dumpster back, and I kinda want to be gone when he discovers the vomit.
Go to hungover. Go directly to hungover. Do not pass go. Do not collect 200 dollars
I do NOT want to date a man who has no interest in going to a kangaroo farm
They're either celebrating their tax money or trying to kill each other.
Don't worry I sent a creepy stalker message to a guy I slept with 6 years ago, Sunday Funday rock bottom
Randomize
