I fell asleep next to my cousin and woke up with my hand in her pants because i though it was lisa
I'm either too drunk or not bisexual anymore
you really should stop posting my phone number on craigslist as tranny seeking tranny, last night i answered at family dinner and almost choked on my hot dog
do you not see the irony in that??
I made myself breakfast and everything and then whoever's house it actually was came downstairs very upset.
I need to hang out with girls who make more mistakes
Alcoholism comes in two forms... Us.
Whatever. I'm saving myself for my wedding night or a night with enough patron.
I had to hold off a girl who was trying to check your pulse while you were passed out. She kept screaming that she was a nursing major and needed to make sure you were alive.
Well see how he likes it when I randomly start crying and saying my dads name during sex I WILL RUIN ALL HIS FUTURE BONERS
there's fuck elsewhere to go, I'll be there with 8 lbs of bronzer on my tits
I'm with the hottest fuckin fire fighter right now. I'm ready to fake my own death.
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
Text me all the things you want us to do this summer. So far, I have Kegstand written down
Doing 9 month old dishes in my bath tub. These dishes literally had enough time to gestate a human child
He doesn't have an existential crisis after we have really violent sex now which is nice
Randomize
