I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
at the bar. watching boys pee in urinals. when they come out we give them a thumbs up or a thumbs down. probbb shouldn't prop the bathroom door open with a bar stool....
I also tried to drunkenly adopt a kitten last night. It didn't pan out.
I wanna get "leaving my dick in charge" drunk.
For my 21st birthday, I require a kiddy pool filled with vodka. Make it so.
I've been alternating between telling people I was mauled by a bear or hit by a car to explain the massive unexplainable bruise on my leg. Slightly more worried now that the car idea is believable.
I wish I could walk around this campus with a big stamp that says "Approved" and just stamp girls asses as they pass.
This girl just texted me asking me to drop her cheese. What the fuck for that mean?
You know what's even more awkward then buying plan b from someone who is a member at the gym you work at... When they come in after that day and have that look of recognition
Impressive. I've never gotten straight denied and then chased the guy naked out of my own apt. I'll remember that next time.
I'm so excited for post-beer fest chipotle. It will be better than scared shitless pre-go karting chipotle.
Need to find a Santa hat to fit my penis, he deserves to be festive too.
I blacked out. Broke into their house. Took a shit, and left. This is why you can't leave me unattended.
How did you get so drunk?
Alcohol.
Do you ever just want to be mashed potatoes?
Randomize
