Google Chrome's "top 8 most visited sites" page has become my motivation to stop masturbating
It was like a lincoln log. Seriously. I don't know who's more pissed, me or my vagina...worst.hookup.ever.
note to self: an IV pole is no substitute for a stripper pole. Written it on my ankle cast.
I gotta stop tellin complete strangers at the bar that they're the godparents to my first born
Its official. I've reentered slutty territory. I was a condom away from having sex in a childs playhouse at a park. Oh and I lost my car keys.
I started singing the national anthem on a train in London. Happy 4th of July assholes
Cuz its complicated and I hate complicated and I miss your penis
I feel like this has turned into my work. But if I get paid sitting under a desk, that's perfectly fine with me.
I almost lit my balls on fire tonight.
I just shit a hot coal. Pretty sure it's that fireball shot from yesterday.
we broke the bed, curtan rods, a dresser drawer, and unless I didn't notice it before, we put a hole in the wall. This is why he and I have to fuck in motels.
Listen I just pulled white girl hair out of my underwear. This has got to stop. I was wearing pants all night.
Just broke my no shot rule again.. Made out with a stranger. That's 0 for 3 this month for the record
Omg I literally just wanna sleep with you right now. Like actual sleep. Not sex. Well maybe. But sleep first
Like you can't just be like oh bb and THEN SEND ME A FUCKING PICTURE OF MY 8TH GRADE FAT SELF IN A TACO COSTUME
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