oh my god im such an asshole. i just asked the guitarist of bad religion if he was a scalper.
When you only buy popcorn and condoms at the grocery store they know whats up.
I got vodka in my stocking. Having an alcoholic mom has paid off.
last night i found out that about 5 of my friends audio recorded us having sex through the bedroom door, then auto tuned it in the tpain app on his iphone.
I blacked out, started puking and peed on the guy I was hooking up with. Mid hand job.
How old are you? 14? Who gives hand jobs anymore?
Salt in an open wound right now.
hey, its the girl who gave you a bloody nose and paid you back with a blow job. have you seen my shoes?
Lazier than spoon feeding yourself popcorn and debating adult diapers so you don't have to leave the mentalist marathon on tv?
Imagine getting a FB inbox "hey I found your ID on the floor of a bar can you send me a mugshot so I can get a second piece of ID made?"
When you're looking for your panties tomorrow, you traded them for a blunt on the train.
Just used my eyelash curler to open a bottle of cider...
He is always putting motivational shit on FB. So its like i know hes sad lonely and looking at internet porn. Break up winning
You know you're doing college wrong when you have to bail your RA out of jail
NO. FUCK YOU. I HOPE SOMEONE REPLACES YOUR LUBE WITH HOT SAUCE.
I TOOK A FINGER IN THE BUTT YOU CAN OPEN THIS MESSAGE
Well now you know not to take drugs from your friends. Take it from stangers. They're more reliable.
Randomize
