I'm either going to be a Playboy Playmate or take over the world. Either way the world wins.
theres a middle aged lesbian couple holding hands on the bus and a 17 or 18 year old christian girl visibly staring freaked out and audibly praying about it
you'll never believe how fucking awesome rain man is when you're stoned.
Tequila shots with cinnamon and orange write it down before I forget
Drag queen told me that I have the cheek bones to do drag. That's supposed to boost my moral.
I'm okay with corrupting his young mind.
Ew! He's just a child!
AND I'M GONNA SHOW HIM HOW TO MAKE ONE.
She described me as " a caterpillar of adorable quietness that exploded into a slutty butterfly" She definitely nailed it there
I'll just save you what dignity you have left by letting what happened die with your lack of memory and/or liver.
Note to self don't give these guys your number. I've seen more dick tonight than a proctologist sees his whole career
Like, I want sex but I also would be okay with Netflix
My dad is blowing up my phone with pictures from the midget wrestling match.
this is a save-me-from-tijuana-tequila-and-hoookers booty call. if i don't hear from you by 8pm i'm grabbing my passport
if i'm not back tomorrow call the embassy
Is this because I accidentally peed on you?
PLEASE LET MY BIRD FUCK YOUR BIRD
So far 2 of my professors caught me looking at their dicks
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