yo i stole a wine glass from the ritz but i spilled wine on my hundo dolla shirt
I just sold weed to a guy holding a baby...does this make me a bad person?
never. drinking. again.
lets not get ahead of ourselves.
dinner is belligerent. she just poured the rest of the pitcher of margaritas into a take home box. people are staring.
was it me or did you scream 'champagne motherfucker' when you punched him in the face ??
Oh you have a half-brother? Why that's right up my alley! Let's cause family strife
Tearing families apart since 2011.
Yeah...don't think he was sober. He kept screaming "I fucking love this game!". It was his Chase app.
I asked him why I was having sex with him in the middle of having sex. It was sufficiently awkward.
You would be so proud at how green we're being. Re-using last night's jello shot containers.. saving the world one step at a time
I basically have sex lined up for me in three different countries. If that's not a feat I don't know what is
I'm gonna chug this bud light an might injure this high school penis, like I'm 17 again
He has a bathrroom scale in his room with an alarm attached to it so anything over 150 sets it off and in his drinking stupper he can make a run for it.
Weird thing is that's not the first time I've been felt up by a Santa. Happens every year
He's nice and all but I think I rather masturbate my way to happiness instead.
You crawled into bed with Bob and started whispering to him about produce.
Randomize
