I really hope you get sexually violated by a pterodactyl tonight.
If it looks like I didn't change from last night, it's because I didn't.
I wana party with Kermit the frog, no wait. Fozzy the bear. He's probably a silly bitch when he's drunk.
forced to watch US open for father's day. only perk is discovering dustin johnson...reeeeally hoping that this golf sex addiction thing is contagious
apparently i found nail polish and started playing a game i made up called "paint a nail, do a shot"
I think he's on the stoner protein diet. I just saw him, at 3 am, spreading mayo on a slice of deli ham and sprinkling salt on top.
I totally just found ecstasy floating around in the bottom of my purse, it's almost like good karma from the time I lost that blow...but not quite
Unemployment check just came in. As soon as I stop pretending I have morals I'm buying weed. Puff puff pass uncle sam.
I apologize for violently hooking up with her in front of you in the jacuzzi last night.
I didnt say frisky time, just alone time, to chat, or watch a show, or stare into one anothers eyes, or souls, or asses, whatever you straight people do
Lesson: Never rollerskate with a 40 in your hand unless you have a destination.
he told me to take care of him and then he asked me to walk him to his hotel. I already have a pussy. I don't need another one
i texted "amiibo vore" to my insurance agent instead of someone else. do you think they'll raise my rates out of disgust?
raging hangover at work with a lunchable dreaming of the sex ill never have. my life is perfect.
I just want this to serve as a reminder in the morning that the topic of conversation at last call was the penis size of jesus.
Randomize
