The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
The money shot is kinda like the "The End" part of a children's book isn't it?
period poops. best. ever.
omigod im sitting here with ben and he and i both got that...chick you totally just mass texted that...
I felt like a fire hydrant the vomit just kept coming out
You couldn't stand up so I took you home, took off your makeup, put you to bed then shaved off your eyebrows. I so nearly won the responsible adult prize.
Wackin it to the USA womens soccer team. My own personal way of saying job well done.
the only thing you and i have in common is the we like weed and looking at my naked body.
FYI, announcing your arrival at jail with "Hi,yes, I'm checking in? I believe I've reserved a bed, a 2 night stay this weekend?" is, in fact, frowned upon
I could just tape a camera with a live feed to my head & you could check in on me from time to time
Somehow my drug dealer is stuck in my air-vent and now everything smells like patchouli, weed, deoderant and sweat.
I accidently sent a dick pic to the group chat with her family. Right after they all said it was a pleasure having me for dinner. Wana drink with me?
I am NOT pregnant
My barren womb can FUCK WHOEVER I want
I'm going to confession for the first time in 6 years. Where do I start, the gay sex or rampant alcoholism?
Do you think if I explain to her I want to have loud, unprotected sex with her sister she'll understand?
Also apparently I made a "cake sandwich"--yeah smashed a massive piece of cake between two slices of bread....fucking tequila
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